When Being Right Feels Wrong

As a caregiver, I’m often put in a position of telling the person I’m helping “no”, when they so very much want to hear a “yes.” And it doesn’t feel good. And it’s hard. And yet it’s the right thing to do. For people who experience limited physical or mental ability (through age or circumstance), it is an incredible feeling of shrinking and disappearing. Tasks that were thoughtless and easy are now crowded with family or hired caregivers helping. Personal things have to be revealed, and privacy is almost non-existent. Personal pride, which has always been an asset, is now a liability. The “I can do it” attitude may put an infirm person in danger, leaving them with even less freedom. Even as an adult, it is hard to be in a position of authority over your parent. It seems unnatural. And it is hard to talk with your Mom or Dad about giving up driving, walking only with a walker, or not being able to shower alone. (As any child or caregiver of an aging parent knows, the examples here seem to be endless.) But much like they took care of us when we were young, we now have the obligation to do the same for them. Hopefully this time of life will come as late as possible for our parents and elders we love. Hopefully they’ll be able until the last moment of their lives. And certainly there are many things we can do that can extend the timeline of those abilities. But when the time comes for us to be responsible for our elders’ care, let us hope that both we and our elders will accept the challenge to make the right decisions, even if it’s hard. And let us hope that all parties can do so with grace, respect, and dignity.